In my relations with other people, sometimes I perceive it unconsciously - like intuition in Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink”. And sometimes it just gradually develops through repeated interaction. Merriam-Webster defines it partially as “sincerely and honestly felt or experienced”, “free from hypocrisy or pretense”. CK makes an interesting post about authenticity, from a different context though, and highlights the points: raw, no sugar-coating, and giving the self through storytelling.
In my own personal development over the last couple years, I’ve meditated on the precept of loving kindness, as best taught to me by Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. It can be easy to apply to friends and family members, but what about the rest of the world? (let’s exclude children, the poor, and sick for whom feeling empathy comes naturally). Note: In the last 3 years I’ve made good friends online and offline…and the distinction between inner and outer circle is rapidly fading away.
This is where there’s much need for growth in our society. The ideals of individualism and return on personal investment still cloud a lot of thinking in our society. In our day and age, it seems people bent on treading the path alone while using others for temporary gain and access will have even greater trouble ahead and turn into even bigger jerks down the road.
According to Keith Ferrazzi, being generous and sincere in all our relations with others not only makes for a more fulfilling and joyful life but also a more successful career as an unexpected benefit. I am a third through his book: “Never Eat Alone” and I must recommend it for anyone starting their career. It has taught me a lot more about interpersonal communication in addition to Dale Carnegie’s classic. Keith even has a section on blogger culture, which I’m about to start.
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Now to open up to readers:
How do you recognize authenticity?
Where is the line between general friendliness and superficiality? Should businesses teach their employees that difference?
Should all undergrads have a mandatory course in interpersonal communication and ethics? Like English 101?
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Mario — Nice post, you’re hitting some important issues here. I’ll answer your questions from the bottom of your post.
I recognize authenticity in many ways. In person there are many cues that make this easier than in digital form. Eye contact, body language, etc. When in digital there are a couple of keys. Does the person try to reach out to me personally? Did they read my bio? Do they care about what I care about?
In business, I think that true, genuine friendliness is important. Getting to know people (professionally) is important to working with them and making sure that their goals are reached. It also allows you to grow through a genuine relationship rather than a superficial one.
Finally, yes. I 100% think that all colleges (even high schools) should have a mandatory interpersonal and ethics class. That knowledge is invaluable and setting the right course at an early age is vital.
Rhetoric is an integral part of a liberal arts education, and as such should be taught at an early age along with grammar and logic.
I’m with Matt on a mandatory interpersonal and ethics class. I also suggest it be coupled with a media literacy class.
p.s. Congrats on the new blog, Mario! First visit here. I’ll be back.
Hi Mario,
Interesting thoughts!
I would actually prefer a class on intercultural communications, largely due to the fact that interpersonal relationship standards widely vary in a diverse culture like our own. I also think that ethics, while obviously important, can also be a little tricky because of cultural variants. What’s ethical in a foreign country probably wouldn’t hold water in the USA…
“Where is the line between general friendliness and superficiality? Should businesses teach their employees that difference?”
Yes. But I would argue that genuine friendliness isn’t something that could be taught easily. For example, an introverted person might not be entirely comfortable in large social settings & their body language might make them seem “unfriendly” - something that they’re not trying to do on purpose (an introvert also tends to place value on a small number of interpersonal relationships). An extroverted person, one that might not be so genuine, probably has a much easier time as being viewed as friendly by other folks.
Matt:
In person, nonverbal signals including eye contact and posture are indeed key indicators. In conversation, I see the following signals:
1) The ability to actively listen through open-ended questions
2) Offer helpful suggestions without overtly selling yourself
3) Farewells with a warm smile
Online, your suggestions are right on target. Is the person making a connection to me by mentioning/replying to something specific I said or an interest I have?
Naturally I like compliments, but building contextual relevancy bridges are far more valuable and will make me take an interest in you and/or the topic you just brought up.
Cam:
I just had to look up “rhetoric” because I only knew of the alternative connotation to subjective agreeable speak.
To All:
Interpersonal Comm. should be mandatory. When I started college in 1996, it was just an elective that I’m glad I took. At a young age of 18, among many things it taught me how to recognize friendships from casual acquaintances in different environments in addition to Pygmalion gifts and stages of Love (very helpful back then!). Regarding Ethics, it’s probably taught best in the last two years of undergraduate study as either a mandatory 8 week course, or integrated as chapters in certain subjects.
I think this should apply to high school as well - a bit more simple and condensed but not lacking in the fundamentals.
Ann:
What do you mean by media literacy?
Thanks for the compliments!
Damon:
Intercultural Comm. was a mandatory course only because of my major in International Business. Cross cultural perspectives should definitely be a part of Interpersonal Comm. if not already there. I am unsure if it should be a class on its own; perhaps a mandatory 8 week course?
Regarding friendliness, I agree it can’t be taught. Extroverts or Introverts can be genuine. But I believe some degree of communication coaching should take place across the organization by Departmental Managers. They may not be so skilled, but they should at least try.
Hi Mario — Interesting questions you pose. I think the ability to recognize authenticity comes with experience and maturity. But some of us get that ability at an early age, while others never seem to develop it. And some people are very good at faking authenticity.
I’m not sure if businesses can, nor should, be teaching people the difference between friendliness and superficiality. They can try to teach employees how to be communicate with customers, but I’m not sure it’s for business to teach how to be genuine or superficial. It’s for business to look to hire people who seem genuine.
Should this be taught in school? I don’t think it’s a college-level course, but more basic to life than that. Unfortunately, schools are having a tough enough time teaching the basics of reading and writing, let alone math, art, science and the social sciences. I think this is something that people learn from other people — parents, friends, peers. And, no matter what you do to try to educate people, some will simply not get it when it comes to interpersonal skills.
Sorry to sound so jaded. I’m older than you, maybe that’s why.
David, you’re definitely right about it being an issue of maturity…at any age level. Teaching is only a helpful tool - implementation and practice is what brings about the individual’s development. A muscle that needs to be worked.
Healthy skepticism is needed in our day and age to maintain a healthy personal meta-model of the world. Thanks for adding the Yin to our Yang.
Mario,
I, too, am a disciple of Thich Nhat Hanh, and did my graduate work in Theology, (a school of philosphy and not related directly to religion, for those among us unfamiliar with the difference).
So, while I have more than a passing relationship with discovering and getting in touch with the authentic, like the Supreme Court, I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it.
Great post!
Mario:
Welcome to the blogosphere and thank you for the thought-provoking post. I had an interesting experience with Mr. Ferrazzi a propos of authenticity. While he is quite open about what you should do to get his attention and throws around a few famous names for good measure, he is quite closed to giving back himself. I met him a couple of years ago at Wharton and offered him additional exposure through the Fast Company business network *the next time he was in town*.
He had someone from his company call me to give me his requirements to speak, including quite a bit of cash. The person was not pleasant during the conversation. I created the network over 7 years as a volunteer and our membership and monthly events are free — my way to give back to the business community.
To note that Mr. Ferrazzi and I both had a connection to FC for years (mine dates back to the first issue), and he did the Wharton gig happily plus returned to the area not long after our encounter. Maybe I was not famous enough. So my advice is to walk the talk, always. I hold his behavior as an example for me that no matter how far we may come, we can always extend a helping hand.
That was also the last day I mentioned his book. If the author is not genuine, I have a hard time recommending his work.
Thanks Valeria, I appreciate the comments.
While I understand no one is perfect, I believe whenever we do make a personal interaction with someone with a kind word of referral or casual promise to talk again…it is our responsibility to follow up appropriately. The returned message that is given, is indicative of our personal brand. Even if the number of interactions we proactively make and receive is quite high and our average conversational quality score is 9/10…we’re still slipping through the cracks somewhere and we’ve left someone with an unsatisfactory impression. We can’t please everyone, but naturally we should try and minimize those occurrences by ‘walking the talk’. If we can respond to another person reaching out to us, and for some reason we can’t commit to casual reciprocation or whatever the situation calls for…acknowledge the reason for doing so or simply give Thanks. It’s called common courtesy.
It’s a funny world out there….we can’t always understand people’s reactions or behavior, yet it leaves an impression on us that is for most of us very real and hard to change. This is why I try not to take much very seriously. After all, actions speak much louder than words. C’est la vie.